Much like my other blogs, this one begins with a big life change.
Every morning, the same routine, day in, day out. The first thing I do when I wake up is plonk my ever-growing self onto the undeserving scales, and I swear, most days I actually hear them groan under the weight.
That sick feeling I get every day as I stare hopefully at the flashing numbers before they deliver the verdict. The days of feeling happy in my own skin, and not utterly repulsed to look in the mirror are a distant memory. The main reason for that is because I have actually never felt that way. I was wearing a size 6 (UK) top on the day I first met my husband, back in 2006, yet even then, I felt people were looking at me because of my size. Ridiculous, I know.
Now, here I am, 8 years on, and 5st heavier, so repulsed by the sight of myself there are actually days where I won't leave the house because my confidence is literally rock bottom.
People say "You've had two Children", which may be true, but I refuse to let them be my excuse. They, in fact, will be one of my reasons for change. Almost four years have passed sine I became a Mummy, which (as you may have read in my other blog) has been the most amazing journey of my life. It also fills me with great sadness. During those four years, I have not once felt confident or happy about being on a single photograph with my children. Maybe the odd 'Selfie' if it's close up, nothing but my face, so that I'm able to fool the world of Social Media when it comes to my actual size. However, when it comes to he important things, those precious moments that I will never get back, First Birthday Parties, Christmases, Learning to ride a bike, "Where is Mummy, on all the photo's?" ...Mummy was behind the camera, every single time, because that's the only place she was comfortable.
All of those memories I am missing from. When we look back at family holidays, it will almost appear as if I wasn't even there.
Another reason that I have decided enough is enough, My Children deserve better. My little girls, those amazing little girls, deserve a Mummy who can spend all day long running around after them, chasing them and giving them the energy they deserve. At the moment, that is not me, and if I don't change that soon, I will never forgive myself for letting them grow up without me being the best I can possibly be for them.
Tonight, I have taken my 'fat photo's' which literally brought me to tears. I am so ashamed. One day I will show them to the world, because that will be the day that I am finally happy with who I am, and my current self will be nothing but the big girl I once was, and proof of my achievements. Tomorrow morning, I will take a photograph of the number on the scales, and will celebrate the fact that it will be the last time I ever see that number.
I have never felt this kind of motivation in my life. Motivation to be a better mum, to be happy in my own skin, and to not feel like I have to apoligise to my husband for who I have become.
Today marks the first day of the rest of my life, and I can't wait!
Juice Plus, I'm ready for you!
